This morning Dave had just left with the dogs for a walk and I was getting ready for a run. I was sitting in the den when I noticed how tired I was feeling. It was emotional fatigue from a week of household challenges—the furnace breaking down, the central vacuum not working and a whole electrical circuit out.
Since my husband, Dave, was diagnosed with Frontotemporal dementia 3 years ago, I have gradually taken over his chores; chores that came easily to his ‘male’ brain. I had no idea how much he did until I had to pick up his end. Well, I finally have to admit that I am reaching my tipping point. I am putting up my white flag and calling for help. I realize that if I want to keep a balance in my life—working, having personal & family time, and managing our house–I need some assistance. No longer do I think I can do this by myself. My ‘dream’ plan is to hire a retired couple–4 hours/ day for 2 days a week. The husband can take care of the mechanical issues around the house, be a driver for Dave (he lost his driver’s license in December and the nearest bus stop is 9 km.), run errands and keep Dave company. His wife can help me with the house chores, including cleaning and cooking.
Besides feeling tired this morning, I was feeling sad. This isn’t a usual emotion for me, and in the past I would have busied myself with work to take my mind off the pain. This time I decided to sit with the pain and let the tears flow. I didn’t make a phone call to complain, or to get sympathy from a friend or family member. I decided to work through it myself. As I was having a small ‘pity’ party, I looked out the windows at the chickadees, goldfinches and pine siskins eating at the feeders. I watched as the birds flew in and out, sometimes stopping at the bird bath for a drink. I started feeling better. This is what happens when I am out with nature. I notice that when I feeling a bit down, it only take seconds of being outside before I feel the weight off my shoulders, and the lightness and happiness coming back.
Throughout this past year, I am learning that the key to my happiness is within. It isn’t dependent on other people or circumstances. I am also learning that it is okay to feel sadness and grief, as long as I don’t get stuck there. It seems the more I practice ‘leaning’ into my emotions and letting them ‘be’, the easier life flows for me. I have a different perspective on my life and I am realizing that abundance doesn’t come from a large bank account.
I wanted to share my latest insight with you while it was fresh inside. I just came back from a run and I am feeling 100% better. There are 3 horses down the road, which gallop towards me when they see me. I’d like to think it is for more than the carrots I bring! Anyway, they let me kiss them while I feed them and I love listening to their munching sounds. On my way home I heard the spring sounds—warblers in the creek, robins singing, belted kingfishers on their high perches, and the trill of the red-wing blackbirds. How can I feel sad listening to the cheeriest sounds in the world?
Have a wonderful day.
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Hi, Holly. Its so strange that this morning I went through the most similar thing, and then I saw this link to your blog on a Google alert. So I clicked on it, happy to read an update, and it was a wonderful post by the way. I woke up this morning, fidgeting in my bed. I do this almost obsessive thing where I tug on my hair, but don’t pull it out. It happens when the nervousness strikes, and its hard to explain. Then I just decided to let the tears flow, and let the grief begin again. It happens in circles, stages, I guess. But then there are the happy in-between times. After the tears I was able to go do laundry and clean and actually wake up at 4:30 a.m., sounds boring, but for me it was an energy-rush to do stuff around the house. Take care, and I really hope and pray you get that retired couple or the answer to filling in the needs around your life. Hugs, DeeDee
Hi DeeDee,
I am so glad to hear from you. I have thought of you often since the passing of your Mom. We must be vibrating at similar frequencies to experience similar situations. Congratulations to you for working through your pain (on your own), in a short time, and returning to your happiness.
I believe that both of us were meant to go through life with dementia for good reasons. I want to raise the awareness of FTD, but also give people hope and the tools to live their best life despite this uncurable illness. I also believe that I will be surrounded with like-minded people like yourself in helping others to do this.
Thank you so much for staying in touch.
Warm hugs to you,
Holly
I don’t think the 4 hours twice a week will be enough. You will likely quickly burn out any reliable people who want to do a good job. It just isn’t enough time and few will work at top speed for long, as it’s just too wearing. My sister tried to hire a couple to do similar tasks, also for just a very few hours a week, and burned through everyone in her small town quickly. Try to add in volunteers in-between!!! Are there social services where sitters or aides can come by, or an adult day care? Or a “helping hands” group from a church that can drop by for the mechanical tasks?
Thank you so much for your feedback. When I looked into a volunteer service through the Alzheimer’s Society there weren’t any volunteer drivers. I think it is an insurance/liability issue. My husband is in good physical shape so the duties will be light for the next while. But I can understand how those hours won’t be suitable as his condition progresses. I will have to look into more full-time care as he (and I) need it.
Thanks again for your suggestions and feedback.
Holly